That Uneasy Feeling

Oye with the poodles already! I've been doing a horrible, horrible job of keeping this blog alive. But! You're in luck, because I am back at it (at least for today!)

I'm a thinker. I'm an over-thinker in fact. Things happen and they end up being replayed over and over in my brain. Things I could have done differently. Things I should have done differently. I eventually calm myself down until the next life event (big or small) that sends me into a thinking tailspin. I like to believe that this thinking and over-thinking allows me to be very aware of my own faults and successes. It helps me to keep in perspective not only my personal bubble but the rest of the world around me.

About a month ago I adopted a cat. A week later I ended up giving her back. This of course was a major lesson in avoiding putting my whole life on social media (awkward.). The major reason I ended up giving her back was because I wasn't ready for the responsibility of caring for another living breathing thing. If I had been honest with myself from the beginning I would have realized that I am only in the beginning stages of trying to figure out how to take care of myself, let alone someone, or something else. I also had failed to think through the financial responsibilities that come with caring for a pet all by yourself.

So, as of present, I am cat-less. Of course, this is not the point of this entry.

Last week, I made my first ever monthly student loan payment. Turns out you can only avoid them for so long and then one day all the education you so enjoyed comes back to haunt you. I am currently at a place in my life where I can afford to take a out some money of my bi-weekly pay check to make a payment. And of course, that is an accomplishment in and of itself. However, I live in the unfortunately reality of also having other bills to pay. So now, more than ever, I find myself budgeting (or trying to budget). I find myself actually going to the grocery store to buy food for the week (or two). And, I find myself being proud of myself for not spending a lot of money within a week. I also find myself feeling uneasy about how I will pay for this or pay for that. And, if I'll be able to give myself a cushion of money during the pay period when my rent is due.

Every time I get this uneasy feeling I find myself sitting back and reflecting on why I am feeling this way. I find myself affirming that it is okay to be feeling this way. But then I start to think about what I actually end up buying when I make jokes to friends about 'making ends meet'. The harsh reality is that I am concerned about not having the money to buy a bottle of wine, or a sandwich in which the proceeds will go to a group of students going to do service in Guatemala, or diet coke. I am concerned about not being able to provide for a cat. But I can afford these things. And I can afford to buy plane tickets and bridesmaid dresses and dinners out with friends.

The harshest reality of all is there are people in the world, in this country, who can't afford those things. They can't even afford to eat. The live on 4 dollars a day. They are the one truly trying to make ends meet. They are the ones with the most uneasy feeling of all. They aren't sure when their next meal is going to be. Or how they are going to buy their kids clothes for the winter.

We are certainly allowed to get that uneasy feeling. We are allowed to be concerned about our financial situations. But we also need to remember those who have that uneasy feeling every. single. day. We have to sacrifice so others may experience the life we have become accustom to. We have to make an effort to make the world a better place for all people.

In the spirit of Lent, and every other time of the year, consider donating to an organization you believe in that provides for those who go without. Even if it is only $1, you're still making a difference.