The little bio on the side of this beautiful blog says that I have a tendency to ask 'why' and that I am convinced that the universe is not finished with me yet. For me, these are two essential things when talking about active citizenship. In addition to these important characteristics, it is equally important to discuss the times when I'm (we are) being held back by something.
For me, in this moment, it is fear.
Allow me to bring you up to speed: I've been on the hunt for a campus minister job, mainly at colleges or universities. I've sent out at least 20 resumes and cover letters and up to writing have had three interviews. Out of those three interviews I knew I didn't want the one job, I really wanted one of them and there are mixed feelings about the third one. I ended up not getting a second interview for the first two jobs. The one job was not that big of a deal because I didn't want it anyway. The second one was a big let down because I really, really wanted the job. But alas, it didn't work out. (Who likes Rhode Island anyways?)
The last interview I had just recently turned into a second interview, which is in a few short hours. At this point I expect you to be asking yourself why the heck this post is about fear when I am hours away from a second job interview. Solid question. Here's why...
When we find something, whether it be a job, a relationship, or college, we as humans put a huge emphasis on them. They become our 'dream job/relationship/college' and we can't imagine having anything else. Unfortunately, sometimes things just don't work out. There is someone else out in the world that is better suited for the job. There is another person who fits into your life just a little better. The college you applied to just doesn't have enough room. We get let down; we get our hearts broken. The thing is, that despite our sadness and our broken hearts we get back up and start looking again. We find other things that make us excited and could be a new possibility.
This is where the fear comes in though. Here I am looking a second job interview in the face for what seems to be a wonderful university with wonderful people and I am terrified that I could potentially make the wrong decision (if it even comes to that). We all have those moments when we compare the 'what ifs' to the 'what could bes'. If you don't you're a better person than I am. The key to getting past that is to own those concerns, those fears.
I have my own person journal that I have neglected for months and today I decided to dust it off and write. When I have been away from journaling for a while I take the time to page through and read some of the stuff I have written. I like to think it of my past self teaching my present self something. I found an entry from this past March and started reading. It was from that that I found the title for this post.
"It is absolutely terrifying but I will not be screwed out of the life I want."
Life is meant to be scary. We are meant to question when we can't figure out which way is up. But we also have to know that despite the fear and confusion there is a life we have dreamed about. The whole thing may not turn out exactly how we dreamed it would but we will get to experience a world and life that will blow our minds.
It is okay to be terrified, just don't get screwed out of the life you want.
Great post Maureen, reminds me of the outlook on life, existential anxiety, and responsibility as espoused by Sarge and somewhat Camus as well. We may not have the answers, our future is uncertain and TBD, all we can do is accept this state of affairs and make the most of it in our own way
ReplyDeleteSartre* not Sarge
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