That Uneasy Feeling

Oye with the poodles already! I've been doing a horrible, horrible job of keeping this blog alive. But! You're in luck, because I am back at it (at least for today!)

I'm a thinker. I'm an over-thinker in fact. Things happen and they end up being replayed over and over in my brain. Things I could have done differently. Things I should have done differently. I eventually calm myself down until the next life event (big or small) that sends me into a thinking tailspin. I like to believe that this thinking and over-thinking allows me to be very aware of my own faults and successes. It helps me to keep in perspective not only my personal bubble but the rest of the world around me.

About a month ago I adopted a cat. A week later I ended up giving her back. This of course was a major lesson in avoiding putting my whole life on social media (awkward.). The major reason I ended up giving her back was because I wasn't ready for the responsibility of caring for another living breathing thing. If I had been honest with myself from the beginning I would have realized that I am only in the beginning stages of trying to figure out how to take care of myself, let alone someone, or something else. I also had failed to think through the financial responsibilities that come with caring for a pet all by yourself.

So, as of present, I am cat-less. Of course, this is not the point of this entry.

Last week, I made my first ever monthly student loan payment. Turns out you can only avoid them for so long and then one day all the education you so enjoyed comes back to haunt you. I am currently at a place in my life where I can afford to take a out some money of my bi-weekly pay check to make a payment. And of course, that is an accomplishment in and of itself. However, I live in the unfortunately reality of also having other bills to pay. So now, more than ever, I find myself budgeting (or trying to budget). I find myself actually going to the grocery store to buy food for the week (or two). And, I find myself being proud of myself for not spending a lot of money within a week. I also find myself feeling uneasy about how I will pay for this or pay for that. And, if I'll be able to give myself a cushion of money during the pay period when my rent is due.

Every time I get this uneasy feeling I find myself sitting back and reflecting on why I am feeling this way. I find myself affirming that it is okay to be feeling this way. But then I start to think about what I actually end up buying when I make jokes to friends about 'making ends meet'. The harsh reality is that I am concerned about not having the money to buy a bottle of wine, or a sandwich in which the proceeds will go to a group of students going to do service in Guatemala, or diet coke. I am concerned about not being able to provide for a cat. But I can afford these things. And I can afford to buy plane tickets and bridesmaid dresses and dinners out with friends.

The harshest reality of all is there are people in the world, in this country, who can't afford those things. They can't even afford to eat. The live on 4 dollars a day. They are the one truly trying to make ends meet. They are the ones with the most uneasy feeling of all. They aren't sure when their next meal is going to be. Or how they are going to buy their kids clothes for the winter.

We are certainly allowed to get that uneasy feeling. We are allowed to be concerned about our financial situations. But we also need to remember those who have that uneasy feeling every. single. day. We have to sacrifice so others may experience the life we have become accustom to. We have to make an effort to make the world a better place for all people.

In the spirit of Lent, and every other time of the year, consider donating to an organization you believe in that provides for those who go without. Even if it is only $1, you're still making a difference.

Happily Ever After?

I watch a lot of TV. And by a lot, I mean, I have loads of shows on DVD, I have a Netflix and Hulu account and I'm signed up for Amazon Prime mainly because when I order TV on DVD I want them ASAP. Needless to say, I watch TV like some people watch movies or read books. Furthermore, if you raided my TV on DVD collection, or know anything about me you'll find that I'm a hopeless romantic who enjoys a good happily ever after.

But what does happily ever after even mean?

The world I live in has told me that happily ever after means that I make a lot of money and drive fancy cars and live in a nice house. And! I say, most importantly to this picture, I do all these things with a husband and 2.5 children. Since my confession that I'm a hopeless romantic, you can bet that I envision those things for my future. This is all well and good, but I can't help but wonder if this is the only 'happily ever after' I should want?

Is it the only happily ever after you want?

Maybe it is. Maybe you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe you have found your dream job, or your dream house, or a really awesome car. And maybe those things will send you into your future and give you great joy.

But what if they don't? What if happily ever after doesn't mean someone else, or a collection of things or a job? What if happily ever after means just you and your changing life?

What if happily ever after means that you have a solid group have friends that get you?

What if happily ever after means going home after a long day of work and cuddling with your dog/cat/[insert animal here]?

What if happily ever after means that you drive a beat up old car or that you get paid nothing for a job you love?

And here's a thought! Maybe happily ever after doesn't even exist! What in the world would we do then?

Sixteen

General Public Service Announcement: the last 2 months have been crazy with moving back to Philadelphia and finding a job and getting ready to move to South Carolina so sorry for the lack of blog-age. Whoops.

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Two days ago my friend posted this on my Facebook. It is an interview from the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and Malala Yousafzai.

*Quick refresher course: Malala Yousafzai is from Swat Valley in Pakistan. She speaks out about the importance of education, particularly for girls. In 2012 she was shot in the head by the Taliban because she spoke out in support of educating girls.

If you haven't done so, you should take the time to watch the interview now. I'll wait.

Kay, great.

As I have been getting ready to move to South Carolina, I have been cleaning out my room at my parents house. Throughout this process I have been blessed with the opportunity to take a walk down memory lane as I have found stuff from high school. When I was listening to Malala, who is 16 years old, I couldn't help but reflect on who I was at 16 and how different 16 year old me was compared to 16 year old Malala.

The year I turned 16 I was just about to finish my sophomore year of high school. I had somewhat successfully gotten through a year at a new school and manged to make some really great friends. I started on a path that directed my spiritual future and I had my first taste of a leadership as a retreat leader. But I was an angry 16 year old. I was confused and hurting and wishing I was someone else (which is probably normal but I don't know what it is like to be around a 16 year old that isn't me or my friends so I'll get back to you). The other day I found the talk I gave at the retreat I helped lead and I couldn't bring myself to read through it. Not because I didn't know what it said but because I like the person I am today better than the person I was at 16 and I like to remember how much I have grown over the last (almost) 10 years instead of being transported back to the thoughts of 16 year old me.

So, as I listened to Malala tonight I couldn't help but be in awe of who she is at 16. I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that at 16 I was concerned about how I may not have that many friends or a social life or a boyfriend. And at 16 Malala is spearheading a dialogue about the importance of educating girls around he globe. At 16 Malala is saying all the things that I believe in at 25; all the things I couldn't even begin to comprehend at 16. Malala Yousafzai is an inspiring young woman who is and will continue to change the world. I can only hope to be as inspiring at 26 as she will be at 17.

The final take away from this is that no matter how old we are, or where we have been, the future is waiting for us. We have the opportunity to grow into amazing people because we were meant for amazing things. We are blessed with the ability to understand where we have been and to walk (or jog or run) the path to where we are going. Whatever our past, we have our future. Keep on doing, inspiring and growing and we will change the world.

Mundane isn't so Dull

Last week in a job interview I was asked if I thought the job might be too mundane for me. You know, because I have spent the last year living in Ireland. And I have two masters degrees. And because maybe I should "be in politics fighting for immigration reform."

Then, I was in Galway this weekend and I was having lunch with friends and I told them one of my favorite stories from my short life. It is a story they hadn't heard and well, it is hilarious.

And then today I was walking home and I smiled because I spent my Saturday enjoying friendship, beer and sunshine.

It was then that I realized there is no such thing as mundane.

I have never considered myself to be extraordinary. I am not one to go out searching for hilarious moments to tell years later, they just sort of happen. That is how I know there is no such thing as mundane. Life always has something to offer even if that is reading a good book or watching the same episodes of Grey's Anatomy over and over again. Sure, there are moments that stand out more than others. Like, the time I got rug burn on my face (the hilarious story from Saturday). Or the time I made a fort out of kitchen cabinets. Or when I ran around my friends backyard with a broken foot. But all of those moments started out as regular days.

Regular days where you wake up and see people and do things and experience life. Then one day you tell a story of how you spent a weekend in Pittsburgh and you and your 11 other friends probably should have gotten kicked out of the hotel you were staying in. Or the days you  do something as simple has have a dance party with your nieces or taco eating contests with your family. Or you read Harry Potter for the 1000th time.

We get so caught up in thinking life is mundane and boring because we don't always have exciting stories to tell. But every story is exciting to someone. Every moment matters. Every encounter with yourself and others means something. Don't rule anything out.

What's Time Got To Do With It?

For the past couple of days I've been trying to think of a way to talk about time. How fast or slow it goes. How you look back and can't figure out how everything happened in what felt like a short amount of time. Or how long that moment a month ago feels.

Time is everything.

The last two weeks I have been struggling with time. Mainly because it feels like it hasn't been going fast enough. Between visitors and adventures around this tiny island, life moved pretty fast. And then I hit a wall. One in which the last two weeks took FOREVER. Truth be told, I woke up on Monday morning this week wondering how it was still July. Surely this month had to be over already? Not so.

But now, 8-ish hours before August 1st (on this side of the ocean) and I can't help but feel time speeding up again. Three weeks from today my second master's thesis is due. Three weeks from tomorrow is my last full day in Dublin. Three weeks from Friday I am boarding a plane to Boston ad then to Philadelphia.

Three weeks.

Now all I can do is think about time. Will I get it all done? Will I manage to do the last couple things I want to do while I am here? Am I actually ready to leave? Will I miss the city I have been cursing for the last couple of weeks?

We can't stop time. We can't speed it up or slow it down. We can just live it. One minute at a time. One day at a time. One week at a time.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing: enjoy the moment. Take everything in and know that these moments, even the ones you're wishing and praying to go faster, are the ones that are changing your life.

Past. Present. Future.

I often think I should have titled this blog something different. Like: "Ramblings from a Confused 25 year old" or "Please Hold While I Experience Another Moment of Panic because my Life is not going the Way I Want it to". The fact of the matter is that if I had titled this blog one of those I could just say whatever I want with no real point or follow through.

But, what fun would that be? How would that push me to strive for more?

Spoiler Alert! It wouldn't. So here I am striving for more. Being confused. Having moments of panic. And here's why it matters.

Ever since the beginning of June I've found myself constantly thinking of how I got to this point in life. Sure, part of it was probably because I had just graduated with a masters degree, but there was and is more than that.

June 1st marked an important anniversary in my life. On June 1st 5 years ago I began an adventure that changed my life. It was an adventure that marked a turning point of how I saw myself, the world, and myself in the world. I spent 11 weeks that summer in a new place, with new people, experiencing so many new things. I grew up that summer (seriously, ask my Mom, she'll tell you). I learned that I mattered and that my thoughts and opinions mattered too. I learned that my life is deeply connected to the lives of the billions of people living on this planet. I learned that that connection means that my choices affect their choices; my life affect their lives. That summer I broke the bubble I was living in and it is impossible to go back. And for that, I am grateful.

With the end of June came another important anniversary. This time, it wasn't mine. On June 23rd my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. I have no idea who my parents were 40 years ago but I found myself reflecting on their years together. I found myself in awe that in the course of 40 years these two wonderful people managed to build a life together that is withstanding the test of time. What's more, I found myself amazed that they managed to raise 3 wonderful children (I know, I'm biased) when I can't even manage to go grocery shopping on a regular basis. All of this made me realize how lucky I am that they found each other, created a life for themselves, my brothers and I, and raised me to be the person I am today.

Back when I was in high school I had a friend who celebrated her birthday at the end of June. The year she turned 16 her mom threw her a surprise birthday party (which we are going to pretend was in June because it goes with the anniversary theme but the actual date escapes me). At this particular birthday party I met two of my favorite people who I now consider to be two of my best friends. The friendship I have with these women, and the many other friends I have made along the way, have shaped me into the person I am today. Without them I wouldn't laugh as much or cry as much (just kidding, I cry enough on my own). Without the friendships I have formed over the years I wouldn't have the support system that gets me through all the crazy adventures of life. Every single person I am friends with brings something different to the friendship and selfishly they all enable me to grow and learn more and more about myself. These individuals, no matter where they are, continue to be my support system and I am positive I would fall apart without them.

I lay these things out because they are my past, they are my present and they will become my future. These anniversaries and these people are what I lean on when my life gets confusing or I start to panic. They are the things I am grateful for when I realize how often I can take them for granted. They are the reason I smile and laugh ad even cry. They have changed my life for the better and I'm more than certain they will continue to do so.

In an effort to strive for more I encourage you to reflect on the things and people that have changed your life. They are why you are here and they are how you will get to where you're going. Be thankful for every experience they have given you, good or bad. And strive to be an experience for someone else so they too can add you to the list of people who have changed their life.

The Dreaded Question & What To Do About It

I was recently out at the bar. (I live in Ireland, please don't act surprised by this). This is not something new. In fact, I've been frequenting bars since May, 2009. You meet some fun people at bars and pubs. It gives you the opportunity to expand your horizons and have new and exciting conversations. I have found, however, that there is a question I have come to dread. I cringe the moment I feel the question coming. I wish I was invisible when the words come out of the persons mouth.

... "What do you study?"

Okay, maybe the wishing to become invisible and cringing is a little over dramatic. But, I really dread the question.

You see, I am getting a Master's of Philosophy in Intercultural Theology and Interreligious Studies. Also, to add to my nerd collection, I have a Master's of Arts in International Peace and Conflict Resolution. And a Bachelor's of Arts in Theology. I normally don't get passed the first degree in these conversations however. And, in recent months have shortened my answers to "Religion and Theology". It is somehow easier for people to comprehend.

Not to give myself an ego boost (on purpose anyway) but these degrees make me pretty awesome. The trouble comes not with the nerd-y-ness of having (almost) 3 degrees but in what they are in. This is particularly true for the last one. Also, on the universal list of things people don't like to talk about, religion and theology are up there pretty high. Interestingly enough, despite them being on the top of the 'do not talk about' list, people I have encountered are pretty willing to talk about them.

Before people are willing to talk about it, however, there is the period of confusion and questioning that comes along with it. Heads turn a little to the side like a dog who is confused. Eyebrows go up. And I'm pretty sure every single person thinks to themselves, 'Is this girl one of those crazy religious people?' The cool thing is, once we get those weird parts out of the way the conversation can be really great.

But there is still a part of me who dreads the question. And I have to reflect on why. And, more importantly, what to do about it.

I can tell you without a doubt why I dread this question: it makes me feel weird. It is one of those 'you picked the strangest academic path possible once and now you are doing it again, you big dummy' feeling. But, as I have reflected more on this question and my life over the past few days, I have come to realize there is something deeper that surpasses the weird feelings I get with this question. And this is the part that helps me reflect on what to do next.

Sure, there is part of me that wishes I had picked another path in life. That I had gotten a degree in Criminal Justice or Nursing or that I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer.. Those choices would have made the 'what do you study' question less awkward to answer. But those choices are not what I am passionate about.

And passion is the key to this.

Before I came to Ireland I worked at Target. Now, if you know me, you'll know that I think Target is awesome and in reality I could spend all my money there. But, I dreaded going to work most days. The job wasn't fulfilling or exciting. It was dull and boring. It was not at all what I am passionate about.

On the flip side, the thought of being able to go to work everyday and build community with college students is thrilling. The prospects have having serious conversations about things that matter is amazing. The idea of being able to educate students (and others) on things that are happening in the world so they can go make a difference makes me want to do a happy dance. The thought of interacting with individuals with different backgrounds, religions and experiences and learning from those individuals is awesome. I could go on, but I'll stop.

The point is, passion is key. The question is awkward. The looks you get are not at all helpful on you quest to the future. But despite all of that, if you remain passionate and excited about your future the rest won't matter.

As individuals, we have been provided gifts, talents and characteristics that make us perfect for a specific field of study or a job. If we are lucky we will be able to grow into those things, become passionate about them and ultimately change the world.